As a member of the Outer Alliance, I advocate for queer speculative fiction and those who create, publish and support it, whatever their sexual orientation and gender identity. I make sure this is reflected in my actions and my work.
Guardian
Did the voices of the First Years always sound so heart-achingly young? Was I ever that young? It’d only been five years and all I could remember was the blur of exhaustion on pain and the sleep of the dead.
I was worthless then. Or so we were told. Daily we were fed a porridge of derision and abuse and that we swallowed because it was sweet to be alive. Every word and bruise was proof that we did not get left behind. We fancied ourselves survivors and loved the crack of the cane on our wrists and the back handed knuckles that rocked our small frames. Oh, we cried when no one was watching, but that misery fed us well. It was clearly proof that our future was sure to be better. Ah, such utter fools to have such fierce hope.
The court below was raked by the sharp rays of morning. It made the brighter colors of the lowest rank seem even more garish. Arranged in their respective groups the first years moved in cadence to the Warden’s call. Their tiny voices rung off the courtyard walls and they moved so slowly I wanted to turn away in a mixture of anguish and disgust. But I needed to listen. I needed to watch. One of these girls was going to be my Guardian.
“Well, at least you don’t show your disappointment outwardly.”
I barely flitted a glance at Siel Gven who stood beside me and she chuckled. “Not much anyway. Have a care that once you meet your fledgling she knows she is welcome.”
Although my lip curled to show a glimpse of teeth, my voice was the croon of an evening bird. “Hal Siel, who taught me? She will know comfort and kindness when the tempering is right.” I shrugged “What Hal Kiv does not purge of her before my stewardship I will burn away with a brighter fire.”
“It is exactly your fire that I am concerned with, Zal Gavril.”
It was my turn to chuckle. “Hal, Hal! Please trust that I know the difference between the battle field and training a fledgling.”
As I scanned the girls below I relegated the conversation with my mentor to a distant space of my consciousness that occupied itself with bartering over barrels of water. Siel Gven sensed the shift and let it drop. She began to watch the girls as well.
It was unheard of for a Fifth Year to take on a First Year as a partner but it was also unheard of for a Fifth Year to be a veteran. This had once been an academy, not a pool of unseasoned recruits but the past few years had been brutal. I had just returned from a year of skirmishes on our borders. It was there that I lost my last Guardian, Zal Anya.
My Anya.
I violently shunted the name away into that part of my consciousness that swallowed echos. Before Siel Gven could note my hand clutching too tightly at my side I raised it to point. “Green. Second row. Left…”
“That—“ I heard Siel Gven turn to face me, heard the confusion in her voice. “But she’s half the size of An-“
“She’s quicker.”
“Quicker? How? She’s missing the cadence!”
“Watch. She’s not paying attention to the Warden. She’s moving by peripheral sense but watching something outside her group.”
“Lack of focus is hardly–”
“She will focus. I will teach her.”
Siel Gven had already turned to search for alternatives. “Look, there. Orange. First row. Left. She would have the size and looks to be quick enough.”
I did not even look to where Siel Gven pointed. The small girl in green seemed to be looking up at us while shifting stances in the exercises with the others.
“I have no doubt, but I am not going back to the border. I have been reassigned.”
“Reassigned? The Guild has reassigned you?” as she pondered this my mentor’s eyes fell on the girl in green, and then back at me with comprehension. “A scout. You’re infiltrating.”
I drew away from the balcony and handed Siel Gven the folded pages of the stewarship order. “We don’t have long. I would like to meet with her after dinner.” She nodded as she unfolded the papers, not really reading or looking up, she waved her hand in dismissal.
As I returned to my room I thought of the girl and her wavering attention and shook my head at what lay before us. A ritual that I only ever practiced before battle begged to unfold itself. The call of the Elements tickled at my senses –most vibrant of these being fire that curled upwards from the base of my spine. I closed my eyes and breathed out steam. Mastering the pull of the Elements I respectfully willed them away.
I did not become the foremost Wielder in recent years of the academy to be overcome by bouts of apprehension. Yet, there was fierceness in me that I had not felt outside of combat. That girl would be my Guardian but it would be I that would protect her.
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This is just my post for the Outer Alliance Pride Day. You will want to check out the Outer Alliance site for links to some real talent. It's such a brilliant group, I'm proud to be a part of it.
Buried as I am under laundry and whatever messes my ten month old son has seen fit to unleash upon me, I don't get lots of time to peruse the internet like I once did. Therefore I am somewhat behind in my news and blog feeds and such. Taking a break this weekend I sat down to read my feeds and saw that a friend of mine, Daniel Keys Moran was going to release his book The AI War: The Big Boost. He had some possible cover art posted and while they would've done the job fine, I thought such a long awaited book deserves a little bit of a push -a little something extra. I offered to do a rendition for him even though I knew the deadline would be kinda tight. I dunno, is twenty-four hours a tight deadline? It was a bit hectic for about five hours or so, with conversations via Facebook, texting and emails but it came together last minute and it doesn't seem to suffer because of it. One of those serendipitous things, I guess. :)